CSIRO – Turnbull acts!
Canberra Monday. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull made a shock announcement today that CSIRO funding would be doubled while simultaneously predicting the closure of complete divisions of the CSIRO.
“Research on new methods of extracting nickel from Australia’s low-grade laterite reserves, metal additive manufacturing (3D printing) technologies, exploration of new mineral resources through advances in detection technologies, radio astronomy and spacecraft tracking, the Square Kilometre Array will all be terminated,” the Prime Minister announced.
“Innovation is all very well for discussion groups, but you can go too far. With alarming CSIRO predictions of imminent consequences of Global Warming and after serious discussions with Senator di Natale of the Greens the government will swing its resources into combatting global warming.”
The Prime Minister then invited Senator di Natale to outline some of the CSIRO projections that emphasise the need for immediate action.
“Firstly,” the Senator said to a packed gathering of bottle-scarred Fairfax and ABC executives, “it is 97% certain that Australians will be forced to double the speed of individual ice cream consumption by the year 2050. Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to CSIRO forecasts, the entire population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness. The cone will be obsolete and a poxy little cup and spoon will be needed. Our grandchildren will never know what it’s like to truly lick an ice cream. And there will be higher incidences of ice cream headaches.”
“Secondly, there is a crisis in climate science as we have run out of non-renewable, unsustainable, once-only climate phrases used to drive people’s appreciation of the dangers and heighten their alarm ratios. We have exhausted climate anarchy, climate ataxia, climate disararray, climate discord, climate disorder, climate lawlessness, tumult, turmoil, bedlam and misrule. Funding will be extended to swell the ranks of CSIRO philologists and neologists. The public have not been properly informed of the danger we are in.”
Thirdly, there is Climate Embarrassment. As prediction after prediction has failed utterly; predictions like no more snow, no water to drink, sea rises of one hundred metres, climate refugees – the list is endless and involves even our ABC and our Australians of the year – it is time to sharpen our predictions so that they do not fail. The science is settled, what has not been settled is when these disasters will occur. The CSIRO will therefore establish a Centre of Excellence for Predictions. We will employ the world’s best astrologers, oracles, necromancers, clairvoyants, gypsies, mediums, palmists and soothsayers. These people have an extraordinary gift for being able to make the predictions unassailable because of their ability to word the prediction correctly.”
Fourthly – and this by no means ends our conspectus – the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole foot soaking wet. In just the next 10 years, CSIRO models predict a 42 percent rise in stepping off a kerb into a huge, stupid puddle you didn’t think would be that bloody deep. The east coast of Australia could be worst affected by trouser and pant-suit ends being dampened to halfway up the shins and it being way too late to go home and change. Action has to be taken now, today, or we must accept a future in which our socks are sopping wet all day and our shoes make a disgusting squelshy sound every time we take a step.
I have now even touched on the fact that models predict that winds will be so erratic with climate change that our rubbishy umbrellas will be blown inside out just as we try to get into our car.
Correction – for “bottle-scarred executives” please read “battle-scared executives.”
Correction – for “battle-scared executives” please read “battle-scarred executives.”
Note. Mr. Turnbull is of a small Pastafarian sect and thus entitled to wear the religious headgear on ceremonial occasions, such as meeting with the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury and leading Muslim clerics without a criminal record. It has a membership of one following a failed attempt by the Prime Minister to replace the then Australian leader, Kevin Rudd.