Things Barnaby Joyce should know about his ‘seed’
The way Blarnaby tries to confuse everyone about what a “partner” is or how they should be defined affirms he is a tomato head, as he was dubbed by Jonny Depp over the Pistol and Boo dog incident. If Blarnaby is so confused over what a partner is or means maybe he believes his new bedroom associate’s swollen belly is nothing more than wind caused by too much Halal cheese on an infidel pizza. He might well be wishing that now? Anyway, we have found a little gift for the delighted couple or partnership. It’s a sort of sex manual put together by Aristotle 300 years ago. It helps with boardroom partners and, although for this chapter it’s a bit late now, it tells how to avoid certain facial features on the expected child, like “hairy lip, wry mouth or great blubber-lips.” Unfortunately Aristotle didn’t mention tomatoes. A shopping list:
Men wanting to “make their seed abound” (or throw their seed around) should focus their diet on a combination of root vegetables and songbirds. A long list of recommended foods to aid men’s sexual function includes eggs, sparrows, blackbirds, gnat snappers, thrushes, partridges, parsnips, young pigeons, ginger and turnips. This is sung to the tune of, “you put you left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your other thing in and shake it all about…
Banned Georgian sex manual reveals strange beliefs
The snappily-named tome offers advice on all aspects of sex
A 300-year-old “secrets of sex” manual banned for its shocking content is due to be sold at auction next month. Dating back to 1720, Aristotle’s Masterpiece Completed In Two Parts, The First Containing the Secrets of Generation, offers a range of advice.
Here are a few tips from which the Georgians were lucky enough to benefit.
Don’t lie with beasts
The manual – with the added power of illustrative woodcuts – warns women that if they “generate with animals” they run the risk of giving birth to monsters.
One picture shows a man sporting an impressive tail; another shows a child being born with feathers and a single, clawed leg.
The bird-child was apparently born in Italy in 1512 and it was all the fault of the mother, who was “filthy and corrupt”.
Stare at your husband
It is a little-known fact that the way a child looks depends entirely on its mother’s imagination.
The book claims “if women cast their eyes on ill-shaped bodies, the force of imagination could produce a child with a hairy lip, wry mouth or great blubber-lips”.
How to avoid this?
During sex women should “earnestly look upon the man and fix her mind upon him”. Then the child will resemble its father – who hopefully does not have blubbery, hairy or “wry” lips.
According to the book’s author, a child was born in 1512 with feathers and a single clawed leg. Naturally, it was the mother’s fault
Eat the right things
Men wanting to “make their seed abound” should focus their diet on a combination of root vegetables and songbirds.
A long list of recommended foods to aid men’s sexual function includes eggs, sparrows, blackbirds, gnat snappers, thrushes, partridges, parsnips, young pigeons, ginger and turnips.
Women, who as a gender are at risk of sexual indulgence – or “venery” – should avoid eating “hard, fat things and spices” because such comestibles cause the body to become more heated.
Another solution is for a maiden to simply get married – and when their venery is met by “the enjoyment of their husbands, they become more gay and lively”.
Don’t rush off
Here’s a word of advice for Mr Right.
“When they have done what nature can require, a man must have a care he does not part too soon from the embraces of his wife”.
After all, it’s only polite.
The book talks of man being “the wonder of the world, to whom all things are subordinate”. What would the Pankhursts say?
Employ gender selection
Want a girl? After sex, a prospective mother should lie on her left. For a boy, she should lie on her right.
Meanwhile, “the fittest time for the procreation of male children is when the sun is in Leo and moon in Virgo, Scorpio or Sagittarius”.
To beget a female however, the book says “the best time is when the Moon is in the wane, in Libra or Aquarius”.
Remember men come first
The book talks of men being “the wonder of the world, to whom all things are subordinate” and “his seed should be seen as a divine gift abundantly endued with vital spirit”.
It romantically states: “Without doubt, the uniting of hearts in holy wedlock is of all conditions the happiest, for then a man has a second self to whom he can unravel his thoughts as well as a sweet companion in his labour”.
And what right-minded woman wouldn’t want to be considered her man’s “second self”?