Not your usual ABC humour
Disclaimer: laughing is hazardous to your health!
It must be the weekend off for the humourless editors over at Aunty. James Valentine may well be carpeted on Monday for writing something that doubled people up with laughter. It must be contrary to their alternate charter of total bias. The only laughing subjects to be approached according to Standard Operating Procedures (SOP’s) are Tony Abbott and Pauline Hanson. Well, perhaps James can write for MM—for free, of course!
Books with ‘girl’ in the title are done. Here’s the next trend
When you’re next at the airport, go to the book shop and stand in front of the crime thrillers.
See how long it takes you to spot a book with the word “girl” in the title. Not long. You’ll see Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train and then the Girl with Dragon Tattoo and then you’ll spot The Good Girl and the Luckiest Girl Alive and Girl at War and Girl Last Seen and Cemetery Girl and by then you might think you’ve spotted a trend.
It’s a thing. Publishers like it. You could write a book about rugby league on field violence and they’d encourage you to put “girl” in the title.
Why? They sell. Why? No-one ever knows why anything sells.
Personally I find anything that’s selling inspirational. So I want to get on the next trend.
Books with the word “boy” in the title. Here’s a few of my rough drafts.
Gone Boy tells the story of Justin. He wakes one morning to find that he has narcissistic amnesia; he remembers everything about himself but can’t for the life of him remember anyone else. Not his wife, his parents, his two Pomeranians.
He sets out to prove that Naji, the owner of the nearby 7-Eleven, murdered everyone he knew and replaced them with government agents. Justin is CIA. He ran covert ops deep in Pakistan and he remembers something he shouldn’t.
The government wants him to forget it.
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Boy With The Southern Cross Tattoo
This tells the story of David. David awakes one morning to find he has a Southern Cross tattoo on his left shoulder blade. He has no recollection of how it got there or of anything after he left the house for his weekly badminton tournament.
Later that day he is abruptly kidnapped. He has been taken by federal police who want him to infiltrate a paramilitary white supremacist group. David has been branded with their membership tattoo. David is black.
Boy In An Uber
Max gets an Uber home from his shift at Hungry Jacks every night at 11:00pm. He finds himself going past a still-open KFC. In there he sees behind the counter someone serving who looks exactly like him. His doppelganger.
Night after night he takes the Uber home and every night he sees his twin. He has finally summoned up the nerve to go in, order some chicken nuggets and confront his double, when he witness the murder of his twin. His twin is drowned in a vat of coleslaw by a third man who also looks exactly like Max.
It emerges that they are the final three left alive after a highly contentious Google X experiment to clone fast food workers was shut down.
Why won’t these three be just as popular as books with “girl” in the title? And who in the published world is not salivating at the thought of this ultimate book mash-up?
Boy Meets Girl
Simon and Jane are married. They wake one morning to find that they are both suffering from connubial amnesia; they have forgotten they are married. Both, now feeling free, embark on gender transition. Simon becomes a woman and renames himself Jane. Jane becomes a man and is now known as Simon. However when Jane was Simon he had contracted with CIA to kill Jane. But that was before she was Simon. And Simon, when he was Jane, had been told of the plot to kill her and had been ordered to kill Simon as a matter of national security.
As they hunt one another they realise that they are in turn are being stalked by an albino monk who finds the whole gender thing just too much. They unite, kill the monk and fall in love.
Years later as Simon is stacking the dishwasher, Jane notices he puts the glasses in the wrong spot and all the memories of their previous marriage floods back…